I find that people’s models for friendships (and relationships) are often tied closely with their notion of security, so let’s start there. What’s the minimum you need to live a sufficient life?
People generally want health and shelter but after those are covered for, preferences diverge. Some people are sufficient living completely solitary lives, as long as they can pursue their interests. Others need supportive family and friends. To me, this is a rough spectrum: the more you rely on friends, family, and relationships, the tougher it can be to chase what you want. You might have to abide by more expectations, like living in a certain geographic region, supplying sufficient face time, or having sufficient contextual information (like gossip).
I break this spectrum into 3 sections:
Most solo levelers I know are nomads. They derive their meaning from independent exploration and their security from their own being, or perhaps a minimal set of people: perhaps just family, just a relationship, a best friend, or nobody at all. Being friends with them is a blend of extreme adventure and incredible exposure to new ideas & experiences, but it’s quite tough to get close — there simply isn’t enough face time unless you mold your life to align with theirs. In this case, there are minimal requirements for friends: be friendly and open with me when we’re together.
Most foragers seem to live in cities. I find that expats are also generally in this category. Most people who live in cities didn’t grow up there, indicating that they once wanted something and were willing to uproot their lives to chase it. Friendships to these people are still important, but perhaps secondary to their own personal goals. Here, you meet many people because chasing things lends yourself to interesting introductions. It’s easier to meet new people by saying “hey, I’m looking to do x” than “hey, I’m just here with no real reason”. Perhaps you wouldn’t even be “here” in the first place. There’re pros and cons to meeting so many people — friendships can be transient as there’s still quite some jet-setting. It’s fully possible to still get close to people, but there’s far more temptations that can lead people astray. There’s a stronger explorative component to friendships here — friends serve as an interesting way to search for novel insights, people, and experiences. In this case, the requirements for friends grows slightly: be friendly and open with me when we’re together, but also maybe invite me to interesting events & be there for me if something’s really wrong.
Finally, you have farmers. These people tend to live in suburbs and treat friendships as a “security” step. Social needs are simply something to be satisfied, not maximized. Often times, cliques form. A clique is any closed set of people where if you invite someone to an event and anyone else from this set joins, you aren’t at all surprised. Cliques are helpful because they allow people to always have their social needs met. If you want to socialize, just shoot a message into a group chat, and someone’s likely free! These are super helpful for keeping your life secure because you know that people will always be there to support you. They’re terrible, however, for exploration — often times, you’ll drift quickly if you don’t spend sufficient time with the group, which makes meeting new people & adding new people to the group difficult.